Danielle Hammack

No one else can be you. You have to do it.

Wide Awake

in Owning your power

Fear & Sugar

I have a photograph hanging on the wall in my office of a lioness lying amid tall grass. The first time I saw it, I was completely taken with how I felt when I looked at her.  The name of this picture is, “Tranquility” and for me it exemplifies what it means to be fearlessly calm…quietly powerful!

Every time I look at her, I’m reminded to focus on who I am rather than what is happening around me.  She also reminds me that fear is often not real outside of my mind and remembering this, along with what I have already overcome to date, is the key to dealing with anything, regardless of how much it may scare me!

This leads me to the topic I’d like to discuss today.  FEAR. My least favorite word!  A quick web search will bring up hundreds of quotes on the subject, but they all seem to dance around exactly how to manage it. So today I want to suggest some ideas and tactics for doing just that…but first, I want to emphasize how important it is to be able to recognize and heed when your fear is legitimate and serving you.  After that, we can discuss how to decipher when it is doing the opposite and should be viewed as nothing more than an opportunity for you to get better at handling it. These are the moments when your mind is actually working against you and the signals need to be scrutinized and often times, ignored. This is the part that will take practice!

So, what exactly is fear?

In its purest form, it is simply a response to such quick and subtle stimuli that it is virtually impossible to recognize it until it has already been processed. In fact, the sections of the brain responsible for gathering “threat input” work independently and bypass those parts that typically help with interpreting and navigating “normal” or non-threatening stimuli. While this primitive defense system serves us well when we are in fact facing a real threat, it can be difficult to decipher when that actually is!

There are some great books on the subject of exploiting our intuitive (primitive) fear signals. One of my favorites is, “The gift of fear,” by Gavin De Becker.  I think this book should be required reading (especially for teenage girls) because it does a great job of explaining how to leverage this intuition in order to avoid precarious situations in the first place and also addresses the various types of threats, so we can be prepared to recognize the signs before a situation becomes life threatening.

In a nutshell, there are three basic responses to fear:

  1. Fight,
  2. Flight and
  3. FREEZE (this is the most common and yet most people have no idea it is an option).

De Graw addresses all of these reactions and also discusses how social conditioning has worked against us (especially women) by programming us to ignore our gut when it tells us we are in danger if doing so could be interpreted as a social slight! Think about it ladies…how many times have you been waiting for an elevator alone and when the doors opened there was a man inside who made you uneasy for some reason that was not obvious to you? Did you step into the elevator anyway? If so, you have been a victim of the social conditioning that De Graw speaks of in his book!

On the opposite end of the spectrum are the fears that disguise themselves as the “real deal” and often elicit physical and emotional reactions that would be appropriate if we were truly in danger, but are in reality nothing more than warped or inappropriate response to a threat that ISN’T EVEN THERE!  The fear of heights (when you are NOT in a situation where you risk actually falling to your death) and the fear of public speaking, are good examples of this.

So let’s consider a visit to a very tall skyscraper like the Sears Tower in Chicago, with its extended, glass floored observation deck at the top. If you have any degree of acrophobia and have been there, (or have visited a similar high-rise tourist attraction) think back to how you felt as you made your way to the tower. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the feeling was nothing short of paralyzing. If you actually pushed through and made it all the way to the top, your level of anxiety was likely nearly identical to that which you would experience standing on the edge of a cliff with nothing between yourself and a 1/4 mile drop to your death. It makes no difference that the actual danger to you as you stand inside “The Deck” is non existent…your fear response to this type of fear is NOT rational or calculated.

Ironically the discomfort experienced is likely worse in this scenario because your brain has more time to play with it. It is often said that the anticipation of facing a fear can be much worse than actually doing so…think back to your childhood and the terror that overtook you when you heard the doctor tell the nurse that you needed an injection or blood test…

So, how about the fear of public speaking?  To my knowledge, no one has ever actually died from speaking in front of a group and I could be wrong, but technically, even if that has happened, the coroner would not have classified it as “death by speech.”  Kidding aside!  If you have ever spoken in public you know the fear response I am talking about. Notice how similar the physical and emotional responses to these very different situations can be. These fears, the type that are not tied to a physical threat, are the type that will pay the greatest dividends to us if we can overcome them. So let’s focus our attention in that direction.

If you have read any of my previous blogs, you may have read, “Fork in the road,” where I assert how important it is to, “start walking.” That contention has everything to do with the “practice” that I spoke of earlier.  Becoming proficient at not only deciphering but pushing through our irrational, “fake fears” so that we can avoid getting stuck in a hallway is every bit as important as training ourselves to disregard those social pressures that would have us ignore that “gut feeling” that is in fact a valid warning of danger.

This may come across as a little trite, but, just like building self esteem, the only way I know of to actually manage and overcome “fake fear” is to move through it!  Simple enough, right? Wrong…and the main reason is our own brain chemistry! This leads me to remind you of how narcissistic and NOW orientated your brain is.  It also leads me to introduce you to my second least favorite word…SUGAR, because it is your brain’s favorite “go-to” for everything from boredom and loneliness to dissatisfaction and frustration. It’s even, ironically, the first drug we will turn to when we are unhappy with how we are dealing (or not dealing) with these fake fears that are holding us back. Imagine that!

Sugar is like a stealth and insidious enemy disguised as a comfort, ally or pacifier because it is a Trojan Horse of sorts.  It actually weakens us against the things we fear most and quite literally shuts us down by highjacking our emotions and distorting our perspective, making it difficult to decipher which fears are real and which are not. In fact, turning to sugar in any form, in an attempt to soothe or make sense of pain you may be feeling is akin to being out on the open ocean on your sail boat with a storm off in the distance and choosing to steer, full speed ahead, toward that storm, rather than returning to the calm waters from which you just came. Another analogy (for those of you who aren’t into nautical ones), would be deciding to bind and gag yourself at the first sign of an intruder before he has actually broken into your home. Hopefully the photo I chose for this entry and the visual that came up for you when you imagined the “break in” are enough to give you at least a little incentive to take an accounting of the role sugar is currently playing in your life.

In as little as a week without it in your diet you will feel a difference, both physically and emotionally.  It is literally like having a lightbulb that was previously burned out somehow re-connect with its power source and turn back on.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that it can be nothing short of life changing. I have seen people forget about things that used to haunt them on a daily basis and suddenly come up with solutions to problems that vexed them for years, after clearing their diets of this one impediment. In short, a diet free of sugar literally makes you smarter and more CLEAR.

So why does this seem so simple? Because it is!  Simple, but not easy. The good news is that once you have taken this first step toward managing your fears, the rest is so much easier because you are able to get out of your own way. You will have freed yourself to move toward becoming that person who can walk through the middle of a “storm ” without having so much as one metaphorical hair on your head move in response…like my lioness.

 

Bottom line:

Sugar is a roadblock to your empowerment. It feeds and distorts your fears.  It also clouds your judgement around how best to respond to them. Any comfort it may give you is false and temporary. Clear it from your diet and you will know, first hand, why I say this…

Remember, the only fears worth responding to are those that serve to warn you of possible harm…

When they do pop up, LISTEN TO THEM and FOLLOW THROUGH WITH WHAT THEY ARE TELLING YOU…QUICKLY! Disregard any social pressure that tells you otherwise – regardless of its origin.

Next, remember that every other “fear” that pops up should be closely examined/scrutinized. If it turns out to be “fake news” (had to say it :), that is your cue to use it as practice…

Make a list of those “fake fears” that have been holding you back and list them from weakest to strongest.  Start at the top and literally:

  • Face and label it
  • Move through it
  • Put it behind you
  • Celebrate and acknowledge the empowerment you feel as a result of conquering it
  • Move to the next one on the list

“If you find yourself in Hell, keep moving… don’t stop and look around!”

Your REWARD for directing your focus and energy on these simple (but not easy) steps as often as you can, will be your own version of the “tranquility” that my lioness embodies!

 

 

Until next time,

 

dani

 

in Self mastery

Wonderland

“Would you tell me please. Which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.” Said the cat.

“I don’t much care where.” Said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.” Said the cat.

“So long as I get SOMEWHERE, Alice added as an explanation…

“Oh, you’re sure to do that… Said the cat.

…If you only walk long enough…”

 

In “Fork in the road,” I discussed why it is so important to start walking once you’ve made a decision.  Today I want to focus on how best to approach choosing the path you will take in the first place.  In “Alice in Wonderland,” the Cheshire Cat (quoted above) appears randomly throughout the story to guide Alice along on her journey after she has fallen down a rabbit hole.  While the story line is a bit psychedelic, many of the cryptic observations and suggestions that are offered by this crazy cat are quite astute and worth contemplating.

I chose to start with this conversation because I thought it a perfect way to introduce the concept of making decisions from the inside out; in essence working backwards, because actively managing your decision-making process can help you to avoid ending up at someone else’s “tea party” or enduring any “drastic metamorphoses,” because you didn’t think things through before you drank someone else’s potion!

I am a huge proponent of stepping back and taking the time to sift through what is important to you when no one else is watching.  This is obviously not a new concept, but it’s worth your time because it can give you the clarity necessary to make decisions that are in alignment with who you are at your core, preferably before you fall down your own version of Alice’s “rabbit hole.”

Lao Tzu once said, “He who knows others is learned.  He who knows himself is wise.”

So how do you go about gaining this wisdom that Lao Tzu was alluding to?

One of the simplest and yet most efficient ways to do this is by working through a “values assessment exercise” with a qualified coach. The first pass typically reveals who you want to be and/or who you think others think you are. Trouble is, we all carry so much engrained programming and have created such elaborate facades in the interest of self-preservation, that it can be difficult to decipher what’s real from what isn’t. Let’s face it, sometimes it makes complete sense to put on a “show” in order to navigate socially. It’s when we start to believe and accept our own “fiction” that we run into trouble!

That said, I’ve seen it take as many as half dozen iterations of this exercise to weed out the bullshit from the TRUTH, but I assure you it’s worth your time and effort! Taking this task seriously, and sticking with it until your words feel congruent and RIGHT can prove to be one of the most worthwhile exercises of your life because what you glean from this introspection will pay dividends for the rest of it!

Your “take-away” from this type of exercise can be utilized to create an internal COMPASS by which you can chart any and all decisions of significance going forward. The only other way I know of that is sure to provide you with the same, or even greater degree of indelible clarity, would be a “near-death experience.”

So let’s discuss the nuts and bolts of the assessment itself. First, be forewarned that simply downloading one from the internet can be a fun exercise but its value to you will likely stop there unless you enlist the guidance and support of a qualified coach. Consider just one aspect of the assessment that can keep you stuck on the surface without even realizing it…the words themselves! To illustrate my point, let’s take a closer look at one of many that tends to be laden with “baggage”…

“POWER”

Even top-level executives and politicians will often shy away from adding this one to their list of what is important to them.  Why?  Because, if one seeks or values power, that must mean one would do anything to grasp it, and that, by default, means they must be a “monster,” right?

WRONG!!

…but you get the gist of how the connotation of a word can either encourage or repel you from admitting it “speaks” to you on a visceral level.

Conversely, there are a number of words that routinely will show up even if they have no business being on our list.  These are the words we have been told are good values that we should embrace as part of who we are. Regardless of how these false words end up on our list, they are complete red herrings and must be identified and eliminated before any real progress toward living a life of integrity and alignment can be achieved. Their only value to us when they do show up is that their presence can point us toward areas where we may need to work through and discard “other people’s stuff.”

In a nutshell…in order to make decisions that will lead you where you really want to go, you have to take the time to know and accept yourself so you will be able recognize it when you see it. If you put in the effort to sift through and mine for your personal “gold,” (what remains in your pan after you discard the “sand”) will be akin to the major directions on the face of your own personal COMPASS.  Once you’ve created one for yourself, you can use it to make any and all decisions of significance to you going forward.

So next time you need to figure out “which way you ought to go from here…”

  • Mine for your “gold” (AKA your values) so you can create a baseline compass that will act as the litmus test of your choices going forward.
  • Get comfortable weighing any and all decisions of significance against it. PRACTICE USING IT…
  • Focus on walking away from any choices that aren’t congruent with one or more of the directions on its face…even if doing so is difficult or causes short term pain or sadness. 
  • Conversely, push yourself to start walking toward those that ARE in alignment…even if it is SCARY AS HELL to do so!

 

Until next time,

 

d

in Self Esteem

“Fork in the Road”

Each of us, at some point in our life, will face a proverbial “Fork in the road.”  The upside of these junctures comes from the gift of hindsight and perspective they can give us once we choose and start down one of the “paths.” It is in the actual progress forward that we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, which is foundational if we are to get better at making decisions that are congruent with who we truly are. It is also where we have the opportunity to build our self-confidence. Even if we find we have made a mistake at some point down the road, this realization can act to further empower us because it will show us that we are NEVER “locked in” to taking even one more step in what we now see as the wrong direction. Another perk?  The progress we have made comes with new perspectives that were not available to us at the onset! At the end of the day, it is better to make a choice and start “walking” than to stay paralyzed by indecision and camped out in a metaphorical “Hallway.”

Some of you may be wondering how a bad decision, with all of the potentially negative consequences that it might instigate, could possibly be better than not making one.  To this I will assert that not making one is actually a choice in and of itself…In essence, a decision to stay right where you are, and frankly, “forks” don’t just appear if everything is wonderful…so staying where you are is akin to giving up or settling.  Next, I will warn that any decision that is made with the intention of avoiding another, often ends up back-firing, so keep this in mind the next time you find yourself leaning toward making a choice that allows you to escape or delay a seemingly more daunting one. “One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.”  This is one version of a quote by Jean de La Fontaine; a favorite of mine because it is a reminder to avoid getting into the habit of side-stepping our way through life…chances are you will be faced with the same lessons regardless of the path you choose, so why not just trust your gut in the first place?

Make the commitment to yourself to endure short term pain if doing so will bring you closer to long term happiness! 

Building self-esteem is really quite simple. The reason I have been focused on and encouraging progress down your chosen path is that it is reinforced when you actually DO SOMETHING and prove to yourself in the process, that you CAN!  The more you actually DO (tackle, survive, etc.), the more confidence you will have that you can handle whatever you may face in the future, and this is at the core of what self-esteem is all about. Any self-help book or program that suggests you “visualize” (or even more offensive), “recite affirmations at your reflection in the mirror” as a means to build your confidence/self-esteem, is simply full of shit!

Let’s look at this from yet another perspective, just to drive my point home…

“Can you recall a time in your life that you didn’t survive a decision you made that turned out to be the “wrong” one?”

The trick in this question is that if you are still here, you have NEVER come to a place in your life in which were not able to survive a bad decision.  That said…let me concede that it is ABSOLUTELY possible for a solitary choice to ruin or even end your life and I would never downplay the importance of making good ones! (In fact, my next post will be focused on ways to help ensure that you do just that). My intention here, is instead to refocus you on the fact that nothing has “taken you out” to date, so if you are still here, you need to start acknowledging your resilience and give yourself some credit for the choices you already have under your belt. Recognizing this fact will help you to cultivate the COURAGE you will need to start walking and stop taking yourself so seriously that FEAR sets in and renders you immobile even after you are reasonably confident in your current choice of direction.  Incidentally, two of my least favorite words are FEAR and SUGAR because they both SHUT US DOWN! … But that’s another blog as well.

I know what I am suggesting is easier said than done, because I have faced my own fair share of “forks in the road.” I have also “done my time“ in the hallway.  So, I speak from experience when I tell you that the more you practice, the better you will get at not only making better decisions, but acting on them.  Gandhi had it right when he said, “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”  It’s all about keeping things in perspective…reminding us that our individual journey and accomplishments will likely go completely unseen by most of the world, but from our own perspective, what we do is the WHOLE POINT! If our actions help or positively affect others, that’s the icing, NOT THE CAKE!

 

Bottom line:

The path you choose is not actually the biggest issue.  When it comes to building confidence…

Walking it, IS! 

Deliberate movement forward, IS!

Believing you are capable of making choices that are in alignment with who you are and what you want for yourself, IS!

Having the confidence that you can and will handle whatever happens as a result, IS!

So, the next time you find yourself standing at the base of a “Fork,” do whatever you need to do to make the best decision you can, (given what you can see from your vantage point at that time). Meditate, check in with your gut, do your due diligence, check all options against your core values, and consult others whose opinion you trust…but once your clear path becomes apparent to you, have the courage to START WALKING, because the longer you hesitate, the less confidence you will have to move forward in any direction. Inaction can become a habit and keep you stuck in the “Hallway” for far too long!

Remember this…

“IT’S HELL IN THE HALLWAY,” and your goal should be to spend as little time there as you possibly can!

 

 

Until next time,

 

dani